Meeting on 20 Sep - Secret 3 - Protecting and Providing

What a great time we had!

Thanks for all the sharing! It is so great to hear stories of your journey.

For those who missed, here's the gist:

1. I shared the importance of the three roles fathers play as prophet, priest and king in the home.

• Prophet - we hear from God and speaks prophetically into our family. We bring words of encouragement and build into their lives as we maintain a vital relationship with God.
• Priest - we represent our family to God in prayer and petition. We started the time of meeting with prayers for our family. This is one thing we must continue to learn increasingly.
• King - not the worldly idea of the kind of dictatorial kings we have today. Although God will ultimately be the absolute King over His Kingdom, in some sense fitting the phrase of a "dictatorial king", He is however a benevolent dictator. Kind of oxymoron statement in our understanding but because God is absolutely powerful, loving and just, He is able to be just that. Jesus has already set the perfect example of the servant leader, so I don't think we will misunderstand that term when applied to God.

These are important roles that we need to learn over time.

2. Next we break into our MAG (Mentoring and Accountability Group) to share in what ways we have grown as fathers. This meeting is the mid-way point of our 7 sessions together. Each group then has a chance to share in the meeting what was shared in the small group. (Men, please remember to type out what you have written and email it to me.)

In summary, this is what I gleaned from the sharing:

• We have become more intentional with our children. We are making time for them but we also acknowledge that this is hard work.
• We are listening more and less "preachy" towards them. Certainly our listening skill has improved.
• There is greater self-awareness of who we are as fathers, especially after the evaluation exercise we did with our children. We have gained from their feedback and we have begun to change the way we father for the better.
• Our children are interested in our involvement with Fathers Club. Some even reminded their fathers about the next meeting.
• Because we are listening and engaging, our children are opening up more. What has changed? The fathers! Many of us acknowledged that our children are the "Yes, No, OK" communicator with us, most of the time a one-word answer from them when we try to converse. This has change especially after the fatherhood evaluation we did with them that started the communication going.
• We have to learn to the say the very important phrase "I am sorry."

3. I shared with the fathers a powerful video about a 10-year old boy who became handicapped on one leg due to an accident and how mentoring and role modelling through a 72 year old man can bring much hope to the boy and his family. Today's chapter covers how as fathers, our role is to protect and part of it is our response to crises that happen in our family. See this video and you will be blessed. Can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsWY2WFml_I

The summary chapter notes is available for download as usual.

Meeting on 6 Sep - Secret 3 - Consistency

I showed a video of Eminem's rap song "When I am Gone". The lyrics is here. I was introduced to Eminem, an American rapper, by my son Shaun who shared during one of our father-son talk about music. He told me he likes Eminem because he's honest and truthful about life. Interesting to hear that from him.

Fathers, our children appreciates it when we are upfront (honest and truthful about our life!)

Videos like this are popular among young people because they can identify with what the song writer is trying to communicate. This is a song clearly about absentee fathers. That may explains the popularity because many kids suffers from that!

Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYNFfgrXTI

"When I'm Gone"

[Introduction]
Yeah...
It's my life...
My own words I guess...

[Verse 1]
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 2]
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These ___ walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 3]
Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

[Chorus/Outro]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

The Fatherhood Journey

This article was published in DUMC Floodgates (July-Aug 2010). This is the unedited version.

The FATHERHOOD Journey – to boldly go where no man has gone before.

I enjoyed preaching on Fathers’ Day. The enjoyment wasn’t just primarily that I am sharing about something I am passionate about, but seeing my twenty-year old son sharing his testimony (click on this link to hear him) about his relationship with me. There is no greater joy as a father than seeing him on stage sharing about the fruits of my relationship with him over the last twenty years. Hearing him said that I am his hero, friend and teacher was a proud moment for me. In fact from the way he “preached” through his three-point mini “sermon” with such confidence and in the way he engaged the congregation, I am quite sure some day, he will be a better preacher than me! And the funny thing about being a father is this: We will never be envious when our children do better than us. In fact, we rejoice when that happens. If we understand this principle, then we will begin to see the multiplying effect of our lives through our children.

It seems so long ago but I still remember that awesome but fearful experience of seeing him coming out of mum’s womb into this world. It dawned on me then that my life from that moment on will be changed forever. I am now entrusted with someone whom I have no idea how or what he will turn out to be in this challenging world. While we may be confident about taking on a new assignment at our workplace because we are adequately trained over time, fathering is something else. I had wished I was more prepared but being entrusted now with this tiny baby in my hand, I am reminded of Captain Kirk of starship Enterprise: “Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its 5-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

The toughest thing about being dad is this. We will not know how we fare in our role until years later when they are on their own. Often we are more concern about our children’s behavior in their growing years and our interventions are reactive. Pro-active parenting is not the norm for many. We focus on what’s urgent rather than important. Urgent matters require our immediate attention but important matters are often relegated to another time, which is often unavailable anyway, or forgotten. Our ultimate goal in parenting is not whether our children will behave themselves when we are looking. It is when they know how to live rightly and making wise decisions when we are not looking. It's inculcating a godly fear of God in their lives and through that, they will have godly wisdom in life to make all of life's decision. (Psalm 111:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding.)

We often prepare our children well with “mind training”. The higher the IQ, the better they will be. The endless pursuit of academic trainings misses the point about heart and spiritual development. These are priceless preparation that comes only through much personal contact, coaching and attention from us fathers. Often we put high price tags on low price items and the consequences of that mistake will reveal itself in the later years. Many adults I had counseled reveal the pains of bad decisions. I wished they had certain basic biblical principles to work with and someone they could seek counsel from before they made those decisions. Fathers, we play a crucial role in the life of our children. Fathers build confidence, prepare children for the real world and provide a look at the world of men. Our children are thirsting for our words, echoing the words of our Heavenly Father to His Son Jesus: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." (Mark 1:11)

In the formative pre-adolescent years, mum’s input is vital. Dad’s most important influence is at adolescence. Before the industrial revolution of the 18^th century, fathers passed on their trade skills to their sons, and thus led the adolescent son into manhood through apprenticeship. Adolescent daughters are starved of their fathers’ affirmation that their princesses are beautiful and loved. Her choice of future partner and satisfaction in marriage are hinged on her relationship she had with her father.

Using the metaphor of an arrow in the hands of a warrior, the Psalmist described in Psalm 127 that children are blessings to keep our legacy going for the family, city and nation. They are arrows to be released and let’s pray they will hit their marks accurately. The family preserves the best of the past and invests this legacy for the future. Every baby born is God's affirmative vote for the future of man and our opportunity to initiate some new beginnings.

We have just launched our Fathers Club! (dumcfathersclub.blogspot.com). It’s a journey we need not walk alone. We have many who have boldly gone before us.