Loving Mum

I personally think Chapter 7 on "Loving Their Mother" is a tough one. Some of us may be confronted with the reality of the health of our marriage. This is a great time to take stock and if you did genuinely do the homework on rating your marriage together with your wife, you have already taken your marriage one notch up.


This is the exercise: Rate your relationship with your wife. (1[Bad] to 10[Great]) 


The chapter rightly states the matter:

In many marriages, the husband and father is more in love with his children than he is with his wife. 

Meeting on 20 Sep - Secret 3 - Protecting and Providing

What a great time we had!

Thanks for all the sharing! It is so great to hear stories of your journey.

For those who missed, here's the gist:

1. I shared the importance of the three roles fathers play as prophet, priest and king in the home.

• Prophet - we hear from God and speaks prophetically into our family. We bring words of encouragement and build into their lives as we maintain a vital relationship with God.
• Priest - we represent our family to God in prayer and petition. We started the time of meeting with prayers for our family. This is one thing we must continue to learn increasingly.
• King - not the worldly idea of the kind of dictatorial kings we have today. Although God will ultimately be the absolute King over His Kingdom, in some sense fitting the phrase of a "dictatorial king", He is however a benevolent dictator. Kind of oxymoron statement in our understanding but because God is absolutely powerful, loving and just, He is able to be just that. Jesus has already set the perfect example of the servant leader, so I don't think we will misunderstand that term when applied to God.

These are important roles that we need to learn over time.

2. Next we break into our MAG (Mentoring and Accountability Group) to share in what ways we have grown as fathers. This meeting is the mid-way point of our 7 sessions together. Each group then has a chance to share in the meeting what was shared in the small group. (Men, please remember to type out what you have written and email it to me.)

In summary, this is what I gleaned from the sharing:

• We have become more intentional with our children. We are making time for them but we also acknowledge that this is hard work.
• We are listening more and less "preachy" towards them. Certainly our listening skill has improved.
• There is greater self-awareness of who we are as fathers, especially after the evaluation exercise we did with our children. We have gained from their feedback and we have begun to change the way we father for the better.
• Our children are interested in our involvement with Fathers Club. Some even reminded their fathers about the next meeting.
• Because we are listening and engaging, our children are opening up more. What has changed? The fathers! Many of us acknowledged that our children are the "Yes, No, OK" communicator with us, most of the time a one-word answer from them when we try to converse. This has change especially after the fatherhood evaluation we did with them that started the communication going.
• We have to learn to the say the very important phrase "I am sorry."

3. I shared with the fathers a powerful video about a 10-year old boy who became handicapped on one leg due to an accident and how mentoring and role modelling through a 72 year old man can bring much hope to the boy and his family. Today's chapter covers how as fathers, our role is to protect and part of it is our response to crises that happen in our family. See this video and you will be blessed. Can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsWY2WFml_I

The summary chapter notes is available for download as usual.

Meeting on 6 Sep - Secret 3 - Consistency

I showed a video of Eminem's rap song "When I am Gone". The lyrics is here. I was introduced to Eminem, an American rapper, by my son Shaun who shared during one of our father-son talk about music. He told me he likes Eminem because he's honest and truthful about life. Interesting to hear that from him.

Fathers, our children appreciates it when we are upfront (honest and truthful about our life!)

Videos like this are popular among young people because they can identify with what the song writer is trying to communicate. This is a song clearly about absentee fathers. That may explains the popularity because many kids suffers from that!

Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYNFfgrXTI

"When I'm Gone"

[Introduction]
Yeah...
It's my life...
My own words I guess...

[Verse 1]
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 2]
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These ___ walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 3]
Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

[Chorus/Outro]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

The Fatherhood Journey

This article was published in DUMC Floodgates (July-Aug 2010). This is the unedited version.

The FATHERHOOD Journey – to boldly go where no man has gone before.

I enjoyed preaching on Fathers’ Day. The enjoyment wasn’t just primarily that I am sharing about something I am passionate about, but seeing my twenty-year old son sharing his testimony (click on this link to hear him) about his relationship with me. There is no greater joy as a father than seeing him on stage sharing about the fruits of my relationship with him over the last twenty years. Hearing him said that I am his hero, friend and teacher was a proud moment for me. In fact from the way he “preached” through his three-point mini “sermon” with such confidence and in the way he engaged the congregation, I am quite sure some day, he will be a better preacher than me! And the funny thing about being a father is this: We will never be envious when our children do better than us. In fact, we rejoice when that happens. If we understand this principle, then we will begin to see the multiplying effect of our lives through our children.

It seems so long ago but I still remember that awesome but fearful experience of seeing him coming out of mum’s womb into this world. It dawned on me then that my life from that moment on will be changed forever. I am now entrusted with someone whom I have no idea how or what he will turn out to be in this challenging world. While we may be confident about taking on a new assignment at our workplace because we are adequately trained over time, fathering is something else. I had wished I was more prepared but being entrusted now with this tiny baby in my hand, I am reminded of Captain Kirk of starship Enterprise: “Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its 5-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

The toughest thing about being dad is this. We will not know how we fare in our role until years later when they are on their own. Often we are more concern about our children’s behavior in their growing years and our interventions are reactive. Pro-active parenting is not the norm for many. We focus on what’s urgent rather than important. Urgent matters require our immediate attention but important matters are often relegated to another time, which is often unavailable anyway, or forgotten. Our ultimate goal in parenting is not whether our children will behave themselves when we are looking. It is when they know how to live rightly and making wise decisions when we are not looking. It's inculcating a godly fear of God in their lives and through that, they will have godly wisdom in life to make all of life's decision. (Psalm 111:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding.)

We often prepare our children well with “mind training”. The higher the IQ, the better they will be. The endless pursuit of academic trainings misses the point about heart and spiritual development. These are priceless preparation that comes only through much personal contact, coaching and attention from us fathers. Often we put high price tags on low price items and the consequences of that mistake will reveal itself in the later years. Many adults I had counseled reveal the pains of bad decisions. I wished they had certain basic biblical principles to work with and someone they could seek counsel from before they made those decisions. Fathers, we play a crucial role in the life of our children. Fathers build confidence, prepare children for the real world and provide a look at the world of men. Our children are thirsting for our words, echoing the words of our Heavenly Father to His Son Jesus: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." (Mark 1:11)

In the formative pre-adolescent years, mum’s input is vital. Dad’s most important influence is at adolescence. Before the industrial revolution of the 18^th century, fathers passed on their trade skills to their sons, and thus led the adolescent son into manhood through apprenticeship. Adolescent daughters are starved of their fathers’ affirmation that their princesses are beautiful and loved. Her choice of future partner and satisfaction in marriage are hinged on her relationship she had with her father.

Using the metaphor of an arrow in the hands of a warrior, the Psalmist described in Psalm 127 that children are blessings to keep our legacy going for the family, city and nation. They are arrows to be released and let’s pray they will hit their marks accurately. The family preserves the best of the past and invests this legacy for the future. Every baby born is God's affirmative vote for the future of man and our opportunity to initiate some new beginnings.

We have just launched our Fathers Club! (dumcfathersclub.blogspot.com). It’s a journey we need not walk alone. We have many who have boldly gone before us.

Understanding our Children - Matrix Sheet

Dear fathers,

I have been very excited about your MAG (Mentoring & Accountability Group) meetings. Please continue to copy me your emails. The Monday group is particularly active and I have attached a sheet of their matrix which they design from the exercises in Chapter 4 on "Knowing your child". You can download this from the panel on the right hand side of the blog under "Book Summary Downloads". The matrix sheet will help you have an overall feel of how much you know your children. Feel free to use this in your group.

I am especially encouraged when I hear you sharing about your joys and struggles in being a father and best of all, praying for each other in your area of concerns. I have shared in the first session that the process is more important than trying to go through the book for the sake of the content. The process reminds us that there's no short-cuts in being a father. Discipline, perseverance and love for our family are our motivating factors.

I will continue to post some encouraging comments from your emails.

Pr Chris

Fathers Club Testimony - Jeffery Choy

After attending the 1^st Fathers Club book study session on the 2^nd of August in DUMC, I realized that there are so many areas which I felt I need to improve in the way I father my children. During the session we studied on the 1^st Secret of an effective father, which is “Commitment”.  Being a last minute decision, I had not really made the time to prepare and read the chapter before I went, which was suppose to be our homework. When we were deciding which group to join for our small group meeting (MAG – Mentoring and Accountability Group), I chose the Monday night group since my kids will be in tuition. This would be the most ideal time for me to commit to this alternate week group.

When I got back after the study session, I was sharing with my wife about how wonderful the Fathers Club book study has been and all the homework we had to do. I also told her about the survey that I need to do with her and my son (my daughter is too young, she’s only 6 years old). 

We had planned for a weekend at Cameron Highlands the following weekend, to relax and also to spend time with my family and close friends. The trip to Cameron Highland was wonderful. We stayed at the OMF Bungalow and we had much fun playing board games such as Monopoly, Scrabble and Taboo with the kids.

When we got back on Sunday 8^th August, my wife and I were discussing with our son what he wanted to do on his birthday and where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner. We proposed a quiet dinner with just the 4 of us or he can invite some of his close friends home for dinner or have dinner with our close friends and their kids. My son was undecided but did comment that some of the proposals were not what he wanted. As we were discussing, it suddenly dawned on me that my son’s birthday dinner, which is on the 9^th August, clashed with the Monday night Fathers Club MAG group meeting. I blurted out that I had Fathers Club MAG group meeting and my wife immediately reminded me that she’s sure the members would understand that I had to spend time with my son on his birthday. The Lord immediately reminded me of the lesson we had on the 2^nd of August about “Commitment”.  It was really a reminder of how easily I could be distracted with other commitments and putting my commitment to my wife and kids in 2^nd place. I decided to spend time with my son and family on his birthday as this is my commitment to him and my wife. We had a wonderful time and my son really enjoyed his birthday dinner and we also surprised him by inviting our close friends and their kids for the dinner (though he didn’t say it but insinuated his preference, when we made suggestions during the discussion)

I really thank God for sinking the lesson of commitment deeper into my heart and mind, and also the privilege of being able to practice it. I also thank God for my wife, who is there to remind and support me in my commitment to be an effective father. Praise the Lord!

A Touching Father Son Story

Richard Yeo sent me this story. I have read it before. Thought you should if you have not.

Can I Buy an Hour of Your Time?
(Author Unknown)

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated. He found his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.
"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know . . .   please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh...!" the little boy replied, head bowed.  Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was mad. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you better march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish.  I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning. How dare he asks such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.  Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.   "Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.  "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you.  Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming.  "Oh, thank you daddy," he yelled.  Then reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man seeing that the boy already had money started to get angry again.  The little boy slowly counted out his money then looked up at the man. 
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.  "Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"